It has been quite an intensely emotional week… the joy of launching my new ELI Course – intermingled with raw emotion.

Tears flowing, I spent the holiday weekend reflecting, processing, remembering… and seeking to find a way to diffuse my intense feelings and channel my rising anger through waves of fierce LOVE.

I cannot begin to imagine what it must have felt like for Dr Christine Blasey Ford to have stood before the world and shared her story. To have had the courage (& against her will may I add) to have bared her Soul… and then be crucified for it. To not be believed, or worse still, for those in power to not even care.

I shared with my husband through tears the following..

What if Brett Kavanagh had stood up and said ‘I believe you. Whilst I don’t have any memory of this incident, I believe you and I am truly sorry for the pain & anguish I have caused you. To not excuse my behaviour Christine, but to give you a glimpse of my life at that time – I was dealing with stuff, I f–ked many things up, I hurt myself, I hurt many others. Whilst my apology doesn’t take away my abhorrent actions, I hope that it eases your pain. Whilst I don’t presume your forgiveness, I am however seeking to forgive myself, so I can be a better man, and bring that courage, that strength, that ownership & leadership into my life, my work and my family. Please accept my apology.’

Ok, so I maybe living in fantasy world.. but isn’t this what unites, brings us together, changes the power play from he said & she said to WE SAID.

Back in my office today, I decided that sharing my feelings in this post would be the best way forward. To offer a hand of kindness, love & deepest self-compassion if you too are feeling in your heart ‘there must be a better way?.

Lets rise together, lets connect & be that united voice of change.

Here is my post…

#WhyIDidntReport

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

It was a party in 1982.  I had lied to my parents about my whereabouts that night.
There was underage drinking, drugs – the party was crashed by people I did not know.
I was shy, awkward & uncomfortable in my pubescent body.  I felt like the ugly duckling.
A boy chatted to me, made me feel special.  Suddenly I felt pretty, liked, even loved maybe ?
He gave me beer, we chatted, we laughed.  We played drinking games.
I thought he liked me.  I fitted in.  He held my hand.  I felt beautiful.

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

My friends suggested it was a bad idea to be alone with him – but he was nice, he liked me, I trusted him.
The upstairs bedroom was dark but for a glimmer of moonlight. 
He locked the door.  My dream was turning into a nightmare.
His weight was suffocating.  I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe.  I was terrified, I thought I might die.
Just like those dreams when you try to scream & nothing comes out – that was me – silent – petrified.
I struggled, tried to hit him, bite him, tear out his hair – anything – help me someone – help me break free.
But he was too strong.  My efforts were futile.

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

The world around me was far from silent during the rage of his attack.
There was banging on the locked bedroom door.  Wails of anguish, shrieks of anger, scared teens.
Girl friends stood on the neighbours roof yelling STOP, howling, throwing stones on the bedroom window.
But he was deaf to their pleas, deaf to my struggle, deaf to his moral conscience.
He only wanted what HE wanted.  There was no stopping him.  I was simply a pawn in his sick power game.
And then it was too late.  I passed out.

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

As the Sun rose, ‘Hey Jude’ (the extended version) played on the stereo.  Decisions needed to be made.
My girl friends – school friends – made a pact that silence was the best measure.
Just like the saying ‘If a tree falls in a forest…’, then maybe silence is the answer ?
Through a vow of silence – a pact of sweet secrecy – if no one knows, then maybe it never happened.
Maybe just maybe I never lost my virginity ?
Who I am, the ugly duckling to make waves & get everyone in trouble anyway ?
Was my speaking up really worth ruining other peoples lives ?
Would anyone believe me ? 
Would I be listened to & truly heard ?
It mortified me to think that the whole WORLD could know what had happened.
I felt embarrassed.  I just wanted to curl up and die.
Funnily, ‘I’m Embarrassed’ are the words to appear below my name in my high school year book.
The shame muted me.   The fear kept me silent.

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

Two weeks after that fateful night, our worlds collided again.
The boy was riding an escalator UP & I was riding the parallel escalator DOWN.
The irony of that moment certainly was not lost on me.
His friends pointed to me, they laughed & jeered.
The boy just glanced a devlish smirk – the intensity shattered my psyche into a zillion pieces.
I wanted to scream, but I froze.  Silent.  Muted through obloquy.
The memory of his smirky face has stayed etched in me forever. 
It was like he didn’t care, I was worthless, I meant nothing to him. 
I was a mere girl, weak to his power, his control, his will.

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

The weeks turned into months.
It was never spoken about again.  It was like it never happened.
Yet everything in my life had changed.  I was no longer the same person.
My innocence was gone.  My romantic dreams shattered.
And I felt ostracized by my girlfriends at school – each sneer tore me apart even further.
Maybe my presence haunted their memory of that night ?
Maybe their guilt cut so deep that is was too much for young teens to bear ?
Maybe I was a confronting signpost of their own deepest fears ?
Maybe I had built a barrier around myself – my own guilt of what I had done to them ?
How selfish of me to have put them in a position of potentially getting in trouble – no wonder I was excluded.
It’s crazy I know.  What the hell was I thinking ?  Did I really think that little of myself ?
But I was young, lost, in pain, had no where to turn. 
My mind & heart were muddled.
Maybe I deserved this ?

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

The months turned into years – the ramifications of that night impacted everything.
An eating disorder.  Depression.  Drinking.  People-pleaser.  I felt alone.
I had been used & discarded – I felt unlovable – could I trust anyone in this world ?
Men haunted the deepest caverns of my pain.  
Women betrayed me.
A painful marriage.  Emotional abuse.  Rejection.
Divorce. 

I was 14 years old.
I felt the deepest shame.
I couldn’t scream.
No one would hear me.

The years turned into decades.
At the point of no return, the biggest crack in my armor was pried open.
I nearly died – I thought this would bring me the peace that I so craved.
But instead the gift was FORGIVENESS –  the boys, the girls, the situation and MYSELF.
Forgiveness didn’t change what happened. 
Forgiveness didn’t change the fact that every excruciating detail of the rape would forever stay with me.
And forgiveness didn’t absolve the perpetrator from his malicious & vehement attack.
But it did release ME from being bound by the cowardly acts of another.
And forgiveness enabled me to rise up, treasure myself, trust again… and ultimately LOVE again.

I am 50 years old.
I feel the deepest LOVE.
I speak & share this LOVE.
I believe that underneath our pain, our suffering, our disconnection, our heartache – LOVE will find a way.

I now pray to help others.
I now pray to be a voice for those without a voice. 
I now pray to stand with those that feel vulnerable, need a friend, yearn to be heard, ache to be believed.
I see you. I feel you.  I yearn for us to connect & together create a world more beautiful.
I believe we can change.  I believe in a better way.  I believe we can rise together.

OmAhOm
Simone M. Matthews

#WhyIDidntReport
#IBelieveHer
#MeToo
#WomenRising
#MenRising
#WeAreBetterTogether

POSTCRIPT
I am recording the final few videos of my new ELI: Esoteric Liquid-Light Integration Course this week. 

In Video 8 Sensuality, Sexuality, Relationships – I will be talking about the rising up of Men & Women – the co-Creation of a beautiful new world based on trust, respect, caring & belief  – and creating a place for you to heal from your own trauma & the collective trauma.  And HOW to be a pioneer of this collective healing.

If you have been feeling the collective PTSD of the abuse of women, children & even men… I urge you to join our ONLINE Course… and discover a way to heal, rise up… there is another way.